I owned every single Madden game between 1994 and 2008 before EA ditching the PC as a platform led to me missing last year’s. If there’s a series of games that I’ve sunk more time into over the years I can’t think of it. This isn’t a boast – blimey, it’s almost the opposite – but I mention it for context, so that you’re aware that these opinions are in no way coming from a sniffy Eurotrash “I Find It Curious That A Nation That Prides Itself On Machismo Feels The Need To Strap On Thirty Pounds Of Armour In Order To Play Rugby” sort’ve place. With that out of the way, here are my top ten problems with Madden 10:

1. The running game doesn’t work. At all. For the opposition or for me. Running’s always been rubbish in one way or another in pretty much every iteration of Madden but this year it’s particularly broken – your typical sequence of runs will go 0 yards, -2 yards, 1 yard, 1 yard, 0 yards, 2 yards, 35 yards, -1 yard, 1 yard, 0 yards. It’s like you’re playing Advanced DeShaun Foster Simulator 2010. Yes, after some fiddling with sliders it’s possible to get your back to the giddy heights of a semi-consistant 2.5, three yards a carry, but why the HUG do I need to be roostering about under the hood in order to get one of the FUNDAMENTAL ASPECTS OF A HELMETBALL GAME to work? In addition to which…
2. …it’s almost totally impossible for a receiver to beat a corner deep. So when you add that to the ground-game’s ineffectiveness, it means  the only type of offence that works with any reliability is a junky semi-West Coast Captain Checkdown sort’ve thing built around short passes. However…
3. When I first started playing Madden, quick out-routes were almost impossible for defenders to cover man-on-man. A few years ago, hook patterns were basically 10 free yards every time you ran them. This year, both of those have been so unrealistically cracked-down upon that trying to complete either, even when your receiver has position, will work maybe one time in ten and get picked off about half the time. So when I say “the only offensive strategy that works reliably is passing short”, I in fact mean “the only offensive strategy that works reliably are very specific short passes, namely slants, dumpoffs to your backs and, if you’re feeling really adventurous, the odd drag route.” Which is frighteningly realistic if you happen to be playing as Andy Reid, but for anyone else it’s pretty profoundly rubbish.
4. If I’m playing Superstar mode as a quarterback, why can’t I look left or right, or “focus” on one receiver? There’s a play in the Packers’ repertoire that has the flanker run a corner-route with the slot receiver close by performing a “quick hit” five-yard hook. Several times, I’ve been in a position where the defence is in a cover-2 or similar zone, with only one defender in the vicinity of the two receivers meaning there’s an easy completion available to one or the other of my guys straight off the snap IF I COULD SEE WHICH OF THE TWO THE DEFENDER WAS TRYING TO COVER WHICH I CAN’T BECAUSE OF THE STUPID FIELD VIEW YOU’RE FORCING ON ME YOU USELESS, CRETINOUS MORONS.
5. I quite like the ability to upload the replays of my Plays Of Awesomeness to the Internet. HOWEVER, this seems to have come at the cost of the instant-replay option only being able to record X number of seconds of action. Unfortunately, X seconds is considerably less time than it takes to, say, take a kickoff return back for a touchdown. This means that for longer-than-average plays (you know, the sort that you MIGHT WANT TO SAVE) you often lose the first few seconds of action (you know, the bits where your receiver gets open / running back breaks through the line of scrimmage / returner busts through the first line of defenders, the bits you MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN RE-WATCHING) leaving your replay only showing the ballcarrier running in the open field for 60+ yards (you know, the boring bit).
6. Why is there no create-a-playbook function? The one in Madden 08 was clumsily implemented and occasionally irritating to use but that’s a lot better than, hmm, let me check, oh, nothing. And to make this even more annoying, why can’t I preview the existing playbooks to find the one that suits me best, instead of having to guess, load up a game and flick through the plays there? Oh, and while I’m on the subject, why can’t I select a set of audibles that work with whatever team I’m playing with? Why do they have to be locked to one “favourite” team? And seeing as we’re talking customisation let’s indulge a tiny niggle – how come if you move a team or start with a new custom team there are no names that the commentators will use? In every version of Madden since 2003 there have been “default” names that go with the custom logos that are recognised by the  game – now, nothing.
7. The Achievements are rubbish, almost entirely based on doing certain things with certain players (tackle Antonio Gates inside the 5-yard line, or intercept Pointing Manning three times in a game) with next to nothing on offer for, well, actually acheiving anything. Win a Super Bowl? Draft a rookie who goes to a Pro Bowl? Run for 200 yards in the game? Get your Be A Superstar player to the Hall Of Fame? Child’s play, now get back to trying to juke Bob Sanders. I generally don’t give much of a cuddle for my Nerd-O-Score, but it still seems a bizarre and mildly annoying decision not to focus Achievements on the way the vast majority of people play the game – Franchise mode.
8. Why can’t I turn off the incredibly bland, totally useless, load-delay-infested “halftime show” that is inflicted on me every game? The cliché with EA Sports games is that they’re a bit soulless but glossy and beautifully presented. Well, this is a bit soulless and it’s presented horribly. The commentary is repetitive and even more prone to mis-reading the game situation than it was when Madden and Michaels were on the mic. The menus are a pain to navigate. On top of everything else…
9. In-game marketing just washes over me as a rule. But Madden 10 abuses the privilege. Delaying me from starting a game for three seconds so that Snickers can tell me to “Be a Chompion!” started as a mild annoyance but has made a swift ascent up the north face of Mount Infuriation to the point that I’m now ready to choke a marketing executive to death on a delicious bar of nougat, caramel and roasted peanuts smothered in thick, thick milk chocolate. Mmm, Marathon really satisfies.
10. And while we’re at it, having a menu item almost constantly on display that’s ever-so-discreetly nudging me to part with actual cash-money for a cheat-code, well – you stay classy, EA Sports.“Given that millions of people are already habitually paying full price for a glorified spreadsheet update every year, do we really need the relatively paltry sums that are brought in by milking the fanbase in this incredibly tacky way and corroding the user experience for everyone?” “We don’t need the money, Piers, we just want it. Because we’re very, very greedy.”

I don’t know. Despite the many, many issues I’m still getting some enjoyment out of the game, but that may be because by now it’s physiologically impossible for me to have less than a tolerably decent time playing Madden. However, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that Madden 10 is a significantly worse game than the 2008 version. The fundamental problem for me is that your offensive playcalling is so utterly hamstrung by the hopelessness of the running game and desperately narrow range of options for getting a receiver open. How is it possible, after 20 years of iteration and refinement, to produce a game that fails so completely at such a basic level? It’s like shipping a FIFA game in which corners and crosses were completely ineffectual, where the only way to score was the dribble-and-shot. Which come to think of it was exactly what EA did every year before Pro Evo came along and ruffled their feathers, wasn’t it? Of course, given the EA’s exclusive licence with the NFL, there’s zero chance of that happening with the Madden titles which might go some way toward explaining the bloated, unlovable, complacent mess that is this year’s game. Rank: D